Thoughts & Tales of tpSphR

I Wish I Could Die There are days when even breathing feels like a burden. Not because I’m weak. Not because I’m ungrateful. But because the weight of everything becomes too much. “I wish I could die.” It’s not a cry for attention. It’s not a line from a sad movie. It’s a whisper I’ve repeated to myself in the silence of my own mind. A whisper that sometimes echoes louder than the world around me. Have you ever felt like the walls were closing in—not physically, but emotionally? Like you’re in a crowded room yet feel completely alone? Like every smile you force feels faker than the last, and you’ve forgotten what it’s like to genuinely laugh without thinking how hollow it sounds? I’ve been there. Maybe I’m still there. But here’s the thing—I wrote this. Which means I’m still here. And if you’re reading this, so are you. That wish to die doesn’t always mean a desire for the end. Sometimes it just means you wish for peace. For silence. For freedom from the noise in your head, the weight ...

तो बात ऐसी है... फिर मैं ना ऐसे ही सोच रहा था। कुछ लोगों से नाराज़ तो हूँ मैं, पर कभी सोचता हूँ बता दूँ उनको, कभी सोचता हूँ — बता के क्या होगा? जब उन्हें कोई फ़र्क़ ही नहीं पड़ रहा, तो ऐसी नाराज़ होने से क्या फ़ायदा? कुछ शिकवे-शिकायतें हैं मेरी उनसे, शायद उन्हें भी मुझसे हों — पता नहीं। पर दिल की बात यूँ ही कह देना इतना आसान नहीं होता। बहुत हिम्मत लगती है उसमें। अक्सर देखा है मैंने — शिकायतें नाराज़गियों में बदल जाती हैं, और फिर वो नाराज़गियाँ नज़रअंदाज़गी में। फिर बातें नहीं होती हैं आपस में। क्योंकि हर किसी का अपना ego और self-respect होता है। सब सोचते हैं — “मैं क्यों बात करूँ जब वो मुझसे बात नहीं करता?” और इस तरह अच्छे रिश्ते ख़राब हो जाते हैं। Communication ही माध्यम है एक-दूसरे से connect होने का। उसके बिना तो हम एक-दूसरे से जुड़ ही नहीं सकते ना। किसी न किसी संवाद के तरीके से ही हम अपनी feelings, अपने emotions एक-दूसरे से बाँटते हैं। और यही एक आत्मीयता बनती है — जो एक तरह के बंधन या रिश्ते हैं। बदलती है — जब संवाद ही नहीं होगा, तो वो बंधन कमज़ोर हो जाता है। कभी-कभी आपने देखा होगा...

मतलब हर कोई प्यार में पड़ता है, किसी से प्यार करता है, उसके साथ समय बिताता है। ठीक है, जब तक सब ठीक चलता है तब तक सब ठीक ही चलता है। उसके बाद मनमुटाव, लड़ाई-झगड़े, और फ़र्क़ (differences) आने लगते हैं। यही वो पल होते हैं जहाँ ज़रूरत होती है समझदारी की — अपने पार्टनर को समझने की। अधिकतर लोग इसमें सफल नहीं हो पाते, इसलिए बहुत सी लव स्टोरीज़ अधूरी ही रह जाती हैं। तो आज जब मैं बाइक चला रहा था, तो सोच रहा था... हम जब किसी से प्यार करते हैं और किसी कारणवश उसके साथ नहीं रह पाते, साथ बस यहीं तक होता है, और फिर हम अलग हो जाते हैं — तो ज़्यादातर लोग यही सोचते हैं: "इससे अच्छा चाहिए..." या फिर सीधे बोल देते हैं — "देखना, तुझसे अच्छा मिलेगा।" पता नहीं और लोगों का क्या पर मैं तो सोचता हूँ — "क्यों चाहिए उससे बेहतर?" "क्यों चाहिए कोई वैसा ही?" बस कोई अच्छा मिल जाए, ज़िंदगी में साथ निभाने के लिए — क्या वो ही काफी नहीं है? क्यों हमें वही इंसान चाहिए जो हमारे साथ रह ही नहीं पाया? चाहे वजह जो भी रही हो... इस सब में सबसे ज़्यादा बुरा वही इंसान महसूस करता है जो रुक ...

So here comes the night — dark, silent, and wrapped in a gentle rain. There’s something about rainy nights that calms the mind but stirs the soul. As the drops tap softly on my window, they awaken memories I thought were tucked away for good. And like always, when the world outside goes quiet, my mind turns into a storm of thoughts. Tonight, it’s about attachment . About the way it hurts . Have you ever felt that? That raw ache when someone you're deeply connected to is no longer around? It could be anyone — a friend, family, someone you loved deeply. Their absence creates a hollow space you never knew existed, and suddenly, you’re carrying this silent pain that feels almost physical. I’ve felt that pain before. And tonight, it’s back — softer, maybe, but still there. As I sit here, listening to the rain and letting the night wrap around me, I can’t help but think of her . The memories come like flashbacks — little fragments of laughter, conversations, silences. And it hur...

This one’s late — not just in time, but in thoughts too. There are nights when my brain just refuses to shut down, overthinking every little thing like the weight of the whole world is on my shoulders. And amidst all that mental chaos, I end up doing one of the most useless-yet-weirdly-soothing things ever — scrolling through endless reels. I call it my reel yatra . It’s absolutely time-consuming, yet something I do when sleep seems like a faraway dream. So, I got stuck on a reel. It had this beautiful Malayalam song sung by Vaikom Vijayalakshmi . God, what a voice. I listened to it once, then again, and then a few more times. Couldn’t resist — searched it up on YouTube Music and let it play as I lay there, mind still buzzing. While the song played in the background, I found myself thinking — about the current state of things in our country. The language wars . People fighting over what language to speak, what language not to speak. Saying things like, "If you don’t speak our ...

Have you ever paused... In the middle of the chaos, and wondered — "Is love really something that happens at first sight?" We always say it, "Love at first sight..." But if you really sit with the thought, Is it love? Or is it just the eyes playing tricks on the heart? We get attracted, yes — To the smile, the way they walk, The spark in their eyes, the rhythm in their talk. But is that love? Or just a momentary magic of the outer shell? Because true love — It doesn’t rush in through the eyes, It tiptoes in through conversations. It arrives when we share our truth, our flaws, our fears, the dark corners we keep hidden. Love begins when someone sees your storm, and chooses to stay. Not to fix you, But to sit beside you — and whisper, "I'm not going anywhere." Anyone can love your sunshine. But the one who chooses your rain, your thunder, your mess — That’s the one who truly, madly, deeply loves you. And then, there are these bonds — You know what I mean...

A few years back, I went on a trip with someone who used to be my world. She was my pasandida aurat, the one who brought warmth into my life just by being there. It wasn’t a fancy holiday. It was our kind of plan—random, imperfect, and real. We decided to leave for the mountains right after I finished work. No big bags, no overthinking. Just her, me, and my bike. The journey took nearly three hours. It was dark by the time we reached. We were tired, but happy—riding through winding roads, under an open sky, chasing a weekend we thought would last forever. After checking into the hotel, hunger hit hard. I asked the manager about dinner. "Sir, kitchen band ho chuki hai." I looked at her. "Kya khana hai?" I asked. She said, "Jo tumhe theek lage." I said, "Par yahaan kuch nahi mil raha." She smiled, almost teasing—"Toh ab kya karoge?" That line. That moment. It still echoes in my head sometimes. So, I jumped back on my bike, riding deeper i...

Sitting here alone, reflecting on the past, I can’t help but think about a point in life when I completely collapsed. Emotionally shattered, financially struggling—I was seeking consolation, hoping for someone to hold me together, even if just for a while. Like any human, my first instinct was to turn to those closest to me—family, relatives, and friends. I confided in them, shared my situation, explained how I was trapped. Despite earning well, I found myself unable to manage my finances, largely due to emotional breakdowns and an exhausting desire to prove myself too soon. Life had its way of throwing challenges, and I was drowning in them. Some of them did extend a helping hand, offering support within their means. But at that point, half-help felt like no help at all. I was still stuck in the same position—lost, unheard, and isolated. As time passed, conversations grew colder. I stopped reaching out. They didn’t ask why I had gone silent. Days turned into months, and I found myse...

Starting a new job is always a mix of excitement and nervousness. Every working professional experiences this transition phase, where they need time to adapt to the new environment, understand the work culture, and build relationships with colleagues. However, the process is not always smooth, especially for those who move away from their homes to join a new organization. The initial days in a new workplace are crucial. Employees need to settle into their roles, understand their job responsibilities, and balance their personal and professional lives. Some handle this transition seamlessly, while others struggle. The pressure of proving oneself, meeting expectations, and dealing with company politics can take a toll on an individual’s mental and emotional well-being. Workplace Politics and Its Impact One of the biggest challenges employees face in any organization is workplace politics . Politics in the office can create a toxic environment where favoritism, bias, and unfair decisions b...